Back At It Again

Updated: Jul 25, 2019

Hey y’all! I hope you’re having a great week so far! I know I am…not. But also am. It’s been a weird week. I saw a post on IG that said, “Is it just me or is 2019 hard resetting your entire understanding of who you are as a person? I feel incredibly vulnerable and powerful over myself at the same time.” I immediately commented, confirming that the author was not alone in her feeling! Especially this week, I have been feeling so good about the steps I’m taking to build my dreams but shit is still going wrong, still so many problems to find solutions for, so many plans that have not been seen all the way through yet, are they gonna work out as planned? My life is in constant flux right now and it feels like I’m wide open to disaster. But I’m also doing this shit! I am making money moves! LOL!! And I’m proud of myself. Shit hasn’t always gone my way, and plans have not gone according to plan, but I am forging ahead no matter what! My personal life and relationships have been in turmoil for months, months that have felt like an eternity. AND FINALLY, this week, I woke up and decided to take control of ALL aspects of my life again. I’m not going to lie, I was headed down a very dark and lonely mental path. I knew it, I could feel it, but I did nothing to fight it. I think in some regards I welcomed the darkness. I won’t say that I’m perfectly fine and happy now and you can be too! That’s not an accurate picture of my mental state and I won’t push a false narrative that does more harm than good. I won’t ever be PERFECTLY happily until I handle my shit and work on myself. That means eating better, drinking more water, putting my time and energy into the things I care about. Apologizing where I was wrong. Forgiving where I have been wronged. It. Is. Not. Easy. So many times today I wanted to cry as I wrote, thought, and tried to come up with solutions to my most immediate concerns. So many times today I DID cry as I couldn’t think of a solution right now. So many times today I reminded myself that I can do this, I am doing this, I will do this, and I will do it well. I will be the best to do it. It’s not always easy doing what’s healthy, and moving away from your comfort zone. Allowing yourself to grow and learn, really just means admitting you don’t know everything and you’re not grown yet. And it is hard to be honest with yourself. What are you left with when you strip away your public persona, your social media persona? Are you happy with that person? Is that the person you always dreamed you’d be? Is that the person you lead everyone to believe is the real you? I couldn’t say yes to all these questions, and the reality of my many ‘No’s’ was the swift kick I needed to start working on myself until I can say yes, to ALL of those questions. I choose to #nourishmydivinity every day. I choose myself every day when I wake up. For some reason, reminding myself of that decision, of my divine power, I just couldn’t be lazy in the face of the path I have willingly chosen to walk. My mind is made up, there’s no going back. There’s no looking back. This is what I want, so I’m taking it... Wait y’all, I came into this post thinking it’ll be a slightly longer than normal paragraph……. *insert upside down smiley face* HA!

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