6 Years Ago

Hey y'all! It's August. Already we're eight(8) months into 2019! I know I should be feeling the crunch, but I feel good about where everything stands. Every step forward, no matter how small, is a step forward! So here I am, trying to get my business(es) off the floor, and trying to heal. I’ve been reading Small Business Bible and just bought Generational Wealth. They have been a great wealth of knowledge and I kind of love learning about business. A few years ago if you told me, I would quit my dream of being a doctor so that I could struggle to open two business I would have been like, “You clearly do not know me. BUH BYE!” but here I am. So let’s get to my motivation and subject of this week’s post; love. I recently found out that perhaps many but at least one of my family members don’t like the LOML. It was a crazy and hurtful moment for me, because I love Jonn and he loves me and I really thought, those two things were the only things that mattered. I guess I never took off the rose colored glasses he gave me when he gave me his heart. I never considered that some people see my change in path, and career as Jonn’s fault. As a bad thing. I didn’t realize until this moment, that the life I’m living now, the life I CHOSE for myself because it makes me HAPPY would be a point of stress and disdain for others. In truth, until this moment, I thought the people that I loved, loved me much the same way. Here’s why it’s crazy, Jonathan Menahem, held my hand and supported me every step of the way. And every step has been hard. Every step was fraught with indecision, doubt, regret, FEAR. I mean, I changed my whole life, and maybe to some it seemed to change all at once. But I took the first step to change my life and choose what made me happy even when that choice is hard, well before Jonn. Before Jonn, I ended a relationship with a man that didn’t value (my) family. The things he sought were the things I was told I needed to seek to be happy. And so I thought him to be the one, I brought him home and brandished him about like a shiny new toy, because I knew everything he did and said was exactly what my family wanted him to. “Oh he’s going to be a doctor too!” “Oh he thinks school is very important!” “He is so sweet!” Despite his perfection, we fought often and publicly, as I’m sure my mother could tell you, because I babysat a lot for my family, I always have. If my adorable as fuck nieces/nephews needed a sitter and I didn’t have school, I was 100000% that sitter. MOST of the time I liked it that way because I love those little girls and boys. They hold so much of my heart, I would burn if anything bad happened to them, especially if I could have stopped it! So I babysat. Even if that meant, a date would be cancelled, or I didn’t want to live on campus, or I was less available to my boyfriend. Oh he despised it, every day, or what felt like every day, there was a discussion about not babysitting as much, or moving to campus. In all fairness, I did lie to him. I didn’t want him to realize that I didn’t love him. I was trying so hard to keep up the façade of being in the perfect relationship and sharing life goals. He thought I wanted what he did, and so it wasn’t weird for him to say or believe that I wanted to babysit less, or at all. I didn’t confirm them, but I also didn’t deny them. I realized I was compromising too much of who I am and what I want, to uphold a dream that isn’t even mine. So I broke up with him. And here’s the truth, I didn’t want to do being a doctor, but that also meant I didn’t know what I wanted to do. What am I going to do to make money? Hell if I knew, so I stayed put. I continued the lie in so many ways because I was afraid of living out loud. Some time later, Jonn and I came into contact after I ended my previous relationship. I was excited about the man I have always loved coming back and like a goddamn RomCom professing his love for me in letter. It was dramatic and romantic AF y’all! And his love made me bold. His love made me want to know the woman he revered so much. In much the same way my love helped him become the man I always knew he would become. So when you see me, living my truth, and building my goddamn empire, I want you to know it is my choice, and it makes me happy. I hope your choices and your truth make you happy. If they don’t, fix that shit.

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